I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
