Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
