:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
