I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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