Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize