i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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