I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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