Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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