I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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