3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
