just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
