So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
