I accidentally had phone sex last night
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
