I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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