Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
