If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
