My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
