if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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