You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
