i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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