No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
