dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
