I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
