I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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