Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
