How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
