apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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