you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
