Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
