am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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