a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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