Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I didn't notice because vodka
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
false alarm, still single
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