I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
