Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
