Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
