Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
