I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize