Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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