How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
