Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
