The best revenge is premature balding
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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