can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
please come you make the beer taste better
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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