you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
