Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
honey bunches of taint.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize