I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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