Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
