ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
