After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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