I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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