Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
