i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I need mimosas to revive my soul
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
