Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
