i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
