i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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