She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
