I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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