if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
