Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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